Written during first onset of mania, 2021.

so my mantra this entire time has always been: “never lie. but if u must lie, never lie to yourself. and if you do, never, EVER believe it.”

i intellectualize everything and i realize why!! without my mask, it’s tiring! I’ve spent days literally putting myself under a microscope because i have a crush on someone.

i thought the fantasies and like normal excitement of seeing someone interesting was the problem, but i think my problem is my intense fucking desire to push everyone away at all times. which is so fucking absurd to me how obvious it is that i’ve been fighting against myself for so long. like no wonder i am so upset and bitter and tense! god! I’ve been crying constantly for the first time in a long time because the truth is – sometimes, I other myself! on purpose! and it’s exhausting. it was actually so incredibly humiliating to display what crushes feel like in my head so openly because it’s.. weird. but im fucking funny! and i think it’s okay to admit that sometimes we tie ourselves to our victimhood so much so that we don’t allow for any caretaking. and we get angry at ourselves when a crush (real or imagined) invokes that need in us. I honestly have been in this intense, crippling state of fear and anxiety, but I knew if I just let my mask down that I could get to the truth.

The truth is: I’m lonely, and I see that loneliness in everyone and everything because it’s there! I’m not a fucking weirdo. JESUS!!!! At first the “not to be creepy” thing was just an exaggeration but then I fucking realized that IT’S NOT!!! This is how I’ve been seeing myself for no fucking reason. My head is exhausted. At no point was this crush not on my mind, and it was so fucking humiliating!!! How am embarrassed? Like, wtf!!! LIKE!!!!! To be completely frank this whole thing started as a way to processes my trauma in an aggressive, angry act but I’m so tired of being angry. I actually really don’t think I’m angry. I’m actually hurt. I’m really hurt!!! I’ve been hurt for a long time, and I’ve just been lying to myself for so long that normal feelings like desire freak me the fuck out because emotions are the one thing stronger than I am. Honestly, if I am being real: a lot of my therapists in the past might have had a FUCKING POINT!!!!!@#@RFeroiyr48uiproewl

I started this whole thing as somewhat of a parody and now I feel completely insane because I think everything before might have been the parody! Im exhausted, but I’m also kind of okay because I’m not weird! Okay, I’m just a normal human.

Anyway, I’m gonna eat now!!! Crazy, huh?